My wife and I are in our late 70s and don’t have any children. Who can help us in our old age?

Getting older and losing your autonomy is even harder without family around. You need to consider both the practical and emotional issues involved

My wife and I are in our late 70s, and have been married for more than 40 years. We didn’t have kids and were rather traumatised after failed IVF.

My wife is Asian and has no UK-based family. I do, but they are not close geographically, nor are they people who would be able to give any support if needed. Friends are of a similar age and so have their own issues to deal with. My wife and I have always been a self-reliant unit, and we’re both reasonably healthy, but I’m increasingly aware that there will soon come a time when help is needed.

We should make arrangements for things such as a lasting power of attorney (LPA), but there is nobody we would trust enough and who would be willing to take on that role. As social care for older people slips further into crisis, how can we plan for the inevitable? This must be a problem faced by a significant number of people, but it doesn’t seem to be aired.

I think you’re right: this is a growing problem, and I’d be interested to hear what others have done, since, sadly, I cannot magic up someone for you.

I took your issue to two people: psychoanalytic psychotherapist and CEO of Tavistock Relationships Andrew Balfour, author of Life and Death: Our Relationship With Ageing, Dementia and Other Fates of Time; and estate planning specialist solicitor Gary Rycroft to look at the legal side.

Balfour said: “Your letter is a very poignant expression of how we might all feel about getting older and losing autonomy and the independence of youth. It sounds as if you and your wife have lived like a self-contained unit for a long time, so it must be anxiety-provoking thinking about losing that.” He also pointed out that “sometimes the losses and challenges of later life rekindle earlier losses and anxieties, amplifying our overall sense of loss”. This is worth reflecting on because you mentioned the hope you had for children, and you may now be imagining how things might have been.

We tend not to live as we used to, in close family units with relatives nearby, though relatives can also let you down. Balfour wondered if there were other people you could link to, not necessarily to find someone to become your attorney, but “maybe others at a similar point would help you feel less alone with your anxieties”.

Practically, you need to separate what your needs are now (if any) from what you think they might become. Giving someone power over your health and/or finances (there are two types of LPA) is a serious business and a subject that has been in the news of late. Rycroft explained that you can have any number of attorneys. Having more than one is a good idea, so no one person is in charge, and most people go for up to four. You might imagine both of you needing help at the same time, but that is often not the case, so Rycroft thought it might be an idea for you and your wife to initially appoint each other as your attorneys. This gives you “enhanced status” beyond simply being a spouse.

You could also appoint a professional such as a solicitor. They would charge, but in time, if you met someone you trusted but didn’t want to make sole attorney, they could do it together. This is a complicated area, though, which would need specialist legal input.

Age UK is a great resource for many worries about ageing, and offers a free downloadable LifeBook, in which you can record the details of your affairs. The Alzheimer’s Society provides a simpler This Is Me form for more personal information. And Macmillan has advice on making a living will.

Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.