‘What is this emotion telling me?’ How anger, fear and jealousy can point the way to a better life

It’s tempting to ignore uncomfortable feelings – but maybe they’re the key to a happier, more successful future. Time to increase your psychological flexibility …

Something infuriating happened to me recently. My local gym closed down, and overnight what I laughingly call my fitness regime was toast. Quite literally, because now instead of plodding, spinning and lifting tiny dumbbells, I was spending my early mornings guzzling lavishly buttered sourdough.

Obviously, I could have brainstormed alternatives, from going for a run outside or taking an online class to – simple plan – joining one of the five other gyms in my neighbourhood. But instead I chose to see the inconvenience of it all. I grew creakier and crankier by the day.

Eventually, I forced myself to find a new venue. It’s cleaner, friendlier and a third of the price. It’s also further away, but I reframed my grumpiness about that by incorporating the extra walk into my warmup.

I didn’t realise it at the time but what I was grappling with is a concept known as psychological flexibility. And it is being cited as a powerful strategy that can help us to persevere with our goals. So what does it actually involve?

“Psychological flexibility is a skill. We all have it to different degrees. Some of us have it more naturally than others but it’s something that we can develop,” says Rachael Skews, a behavioural scientist and coach. She specialises in acceptance and commitment therapy, a process designed to expand psychological flexibility. “It’s really a combination of three core elements,” she says. “First, being engaged with what matters most to you as an individual. Second, being present in the moment and having a flexible sense of who you are in the world. The third thing is being open to whatever comes along. You respond to life by embracing the fact that every experience could contain something interesting and valuable.”

Unlike positive thinking, then, psychological flexibility is about acknowledging rather than drowning out or denying uncomfortable feelings such as anger, anxiety or fear, and using them as feedback for action. It’s also about letting yourself off the hook when you face insurmountable obstacles, unlike another pop psychology model, grit, which is characterised by powering through, no matter what.

Janette, an executive assistant, discovered how helpful this approach can be when she started a new job working for the boss of a large company. “Unlike previous roles, the work was home-based and remote, with the CEO in another country. From the outset I hated it. I wasted a lot of time crying, and trying to find another position. It was only when I confided in a friend that we realised the source of my misery was neither my superior nor the workload, but the fact that I don’t thrive as a Lone Ranger.

“It wasn’t a particularly social organisation, and all of the other assistants seemed happy to work at arm’s length. I couldn’t change the culture, so instead I signed up for a local co-working space, which gave me a ready-made community of people to vent to and have lunch with every day. I love the job now.”

There is a body of research illustrating the benefits of this mindset. In one large analysis of multiple studies, higher psychological flexibility scores were linked to better overall mental health. The research revealed that accepting difficult feelings encouraged people to take action – as opposed to drowning out reality with positive thoughts, which leads to avoidance.

A big part of it comes down to what psychologist Susan David calls emotional agility. She defines this as being able to fully experience all of life’s emotions – the difficult ones like fear, anger and jealousy, as well as states of joy, gratitude and optimism. The goal is not to let any one feeling drive behaviour or actions.

“It’s about living in the world as it actually is rather than how we wish it to be,” says David. “There’s this societal messaging that says we’ve got to be positive all the time, and full of gratitude for everything. We’ve been encouraged to view certain emotions as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and that the only worthwhile ones are related to happiness.”

David suggests that rather than labelling feelings as positive or negative, we should view them as data. “Emotions offer us clues. So, say you are feeling lonely. If you tell yourself that you shouldn’t feel that way, or that you must count your blessings no matter what, you are blocking an important signal. Instead, ask yourself, ‘What is this emotion signposting?’”

For example, if you realise you need intimacy and a sense of belonging, that is more likely to prompt you to leave the house and meet new people – unlike pretending everything is perfect the way it is or that things will magically improve without taking action.

Is there not a danger that you might get overwhelmed by negative emotions? “No, because emotions are not directives. Just because I feel something doesn’t mean it is true,” says David. “In evolutionary terms, our emotions exist to help us to understand our needs and values.” Rather than viewing them as fixed, it can be helpful to remember that emotions are volatile and fleeting.

She counsels against over-identifying with any one emotional state. “These days, we live in a society where people behave as if emotions are calling the shots, eg ‘I feel sad’ or ‘I feel triggered.’ We need to recognise that we own the emotion – it doesn’t own us. We own our values, our choices, our next steps, and our ability to tell ourselves, ‘Even though I feel sad now, I can choose what I want to do in this world and who I want to be.’ It’s all about having agency over your life and not being victimised by how we feel.”

Gabriele Oettingen is professor of psychology at New York University and the University of Hamburg. The author of Rethinking Positive Thinking, she has been immersed in the science of goal-setting for more than 25 years. The most surprising and consistent finding across her research is that positive thinking on its own does not reap rewards. Anticipating obstacles, learning to course correct and planning for possible failure are the determining factors for success.

“If you dream and fantasise in isolation, it will certainly improve your mood in the short term,” she says. “I could sit here and imagine that I’ve marked this pile of exams on my desk, and that I’ve finished writing my next academic paper, also on my desk. I would feel fantastic and then I could focus on all the amazing options for my Friday night.”

The downside is that when we daydream about having achieved a goal, we relax and the energy needed to actually do it fades. Her research has covered various scenarios, from losing weight to finding a job to getting together with someone on whom you have a crush. “The more positively people fantasised about those fulfilled wishes, the less success they had, be it three weeks, three months or two years later.”

Over time, chronic daydreamers lose momentum because they don’t take the action necessary to achieve their goals. Far better to rehearse the various scenarios that might derail your big plans.

“Obstacles give you energy,” she says. “They allow you to understand what you can do in order to overcome them.” An obstacle might be a habit or a belief, but she counsels against making it about another person. “It’s best to choose an inner obstacle. Don’t fall into the trap of saying: ‘Everything is my boss’s fault.’ Reframe it as: ‘The resentment I feel towards my boss is what’s stopping me.’ If you focus on an external obstacle, you have no control over changing it.”

Someone who discovered the truth of this is Nick Jaye, AKA Bald Chef Nick. He struggled all through school and was told that he was “too stupid” to be a chef. So, he left at 15 without qualifications. Diagnosed with dyslexia, he credits a flexible mindset with his eventual success. He spent 40 years doing well as an estate agent before finally retraining as a chef in his late 50s. But there were many obstacles in his path.

“I knew I would have to adjust my approach, so I rewrote every piece of printed material from the course so that I could read and learn in my dyslexic way.” Not only did his adaptability help him to realise his goal; those pieces of paper became the spark for his book Deliciously Dyslexic. The first cookbook created for people with the condition, it features large fonts, tinted backgrounds and single-sentence paragraphs designed for adults and children.

“I know I am no longer that small, nervous and shy child who was told he was stupid. Instead, I see opportunities everywhere to learn, take on challenges and meet new people. This is what I wanted when I made the decision to retrain. I don’t get nervous any more, just excited. All my life I’ve learned to adapt to having a neurodiverse mind. My charity work, teaching, cooking and helping as many people as I can delivers a daily dose of acceptance and patience with myself and those around me.”

It’s a great reminder that psychological flexibility isn’t about changing who we are but changing how we approach the challenges we face. I fully intend to transform my own mindset, just as soon as I’ve buttered this lovely slice of seeded loaf …

Check in with your five-year-old self, and your 85-year-old self. “When we’re feeling stuck – a sure sign of psychological inflexibility – what we need is perspective,” says Susan David. “It’s easy to focus on choices that are only about you in this moment. Should I spend the money now? Should I quit the job now? It can be helpful to bring other perspectives. What would a young version of you say about this? How about the you that’s at the end of your life? This helps us to think more expansively.”

Ask yourself, WTF. “When you’re having a big reaction to something, a good way of remembering that emotions are not facts is to ask yourself: what the func? As in: what is the function of this emotion? Ask yourself, what is this telling me about my needs, my values and how I should move forward in the world?” David suggests.

View goals as experiments. “It’s great to have a goal but it’s best pursued with an experimental mindset. That will allow you to recognise when a great idea could also be course corrected into something slightly different,” says Skews. “Goals don’t need to be set in stone. Sometimes, the goal is just to give you direction.”

Think variation, selection, retention. “In behavioural science we use these terms to sum up the mechanics of flexible goal-setting,” says Skews. “Success is about varying what you’re doing, selecting what you think is working well and keeping on doing that.”

Make an ‘if … then’ plan: If you are trying to achieve a challenging goal, make a contingency plan for how you are going to tackle obstacles. An example might be knowing you always reach for crisps when you’re watching a favourite TV show. Planning ahead, and ensuring you have a supply of fruit and nuts on hand, or other healthy snacks, will make it easier to stick to your goal. “Some obstacles are really hard to overcome – for example, when there are very strong impulses or emotions. Making a plan links the future outcome with the obstacle, and engaging your subconscious, so you can more easily respond in the moment,” says Oettingen.